Kevin-Joel (KJ) Coupland
the "Couples Guy"
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They say opposites attract. And early on, that's often true — their calm steadied your chaos, their boldness lit up your caution, their warmth thawed something in you. But somewhere down the road, the same equation can quietly shift: opposites attract... and then, maybe, opposites attack.

For a long time I was really confused by their riding style. I could not understand: he doesn't respect the start time, he's not paying attention, he's quite unpredictable on his bike. Then I started to understand a bit more about how their heads might work — both of them have ADHD — and a lot of what looked like carelessness started to look like something else..

For a person with ADHD, they tend to prioritize interesting over importance or urgency. This challenge can be understood and overcome.

The Problem-Spotter's Superpower You've probably heard it before. "You're so negative." "Why do you always focus on what's wrong?" Maybe a colleague has said it. Maybe a friend. Maybe you've said it about yourself. But here's a reframe worth sitting with: the ability to spot what's broken is not a character flaw. It's a skill. The world is full of problems that went unfixed simply because no one noticed them — or noticed but stayed quiet. You notice. That's the raw material.

Most couples don't have a communication problem. They have a regulation problem. Here's the difference—and what to do about it. THE REAL PROBLEM The Floor Beneath the Floor You've probably heard it before: "We just need to communicate better." And sure, that might be true. But here's the thing that most couples miss—and honestly, most communication experts miss it too. The real problem isn't that you don't know how to talk to each other. The real problem is that when you're d

Can I be honest with you? I don’t have it all figured out. Let me just put that out there, right off the top. What I do know has been shaped by my personal experience sitting in the classroom and then in sessions with hundreds of couples. As a psychotherapist, I’ve discovered that each couple is a unique blend. Like in a laboratory, two couples mix like two unique chemicals, sometimes creating a blend of unity and sometimes of dramatic explosion. Relationships can be hard, ev

It all adds up You’re probably already aware of the term “micro-aggressions” that is commonly used to describe the multiple minor offensive and hurtful messages that people within a minority community experience. It is death by a thousand cuts that may not always be noticed immediately, but is has a compounding effect. If you are the aggressive one, you may even be unaware of the hurt you are causing. As a couples therapist, I notice that micro messages in relationships go bo

Have you ever been stuck in a dilemma of choice? We call it the “double bind,” meaning that either choice comes with certain problems. Relationships often offer us this double bind of either maintaining connection or protection. When we our attachment becomes threatened, we are forced to make a choice. Humans have two very basic emotional needs in life. Our first need is to be taken care of, this need for safety can also be understood as a desire for protection. Our second mo

by Kevin-Joel Coupland, RP Photo by fauxels on Pexels.com Shortly after I met “Steve and Julie” (not their real names), I asked them what...

May I be honest with you? Relationships can be hard. I’ve been married for over 29 years and I’m a Psychotherapist that has worked with hundreds of couples. I’ve seen some stuff and I know it takes effort to maintain healthy relationships. I also know that relationships that work include a few essential ingredients. I often ask couples what ingredients they think are most important and they offer many great opinions. I want to suggest to you that when we boil them all down, t

How COVID-19 could be causing a great awakening and evolution in our personal understanding In face to face conversations, we are at a distinct disadvantage. We see what is in front of us. What we don’t see though could actually be holding us back from some of the most important information in a conversation. Perhaps the flow of the following example conversation is familiar to you. “I need to talk to you about something.” In that moment your mind begins to race as you try to

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